« COMMENT SPAM IS BULLSHIT | Main | New York is sad »
September 10, 2007
Fire Island: Douchebag Central
Went to Fire Island with some friends this weekend. I had only ever been on Fire Island once before, on an elementary school field trip. A simulated fossil dig or something like that. My only other impression of Fire Island was that gay people love it, because I listened to the Village People nonstop during my Village People phase in high school. That's right, I had a Village People phase in high school. It was part of my short-lived obsession with fake bands that were fronts for unseen production teams. Unfortunately I got over that phase before the "boy band" era of the late '90s, but I'm still really into Max Martin, who is one of only three reasons that Britney is famous. The other two are her boobs. Someone hire me to write for "The Soup."
Anyway. So I was on Fire Island with a bunch of friends who have been renting this house for a week each summer. We played "The Great Dalmuti" and grilled things and hung out and talked, and that was, obviously, fun. What wasn't fun was that Fire Island is douchebag central. Squalid bars packed with fratboys trying to pick up "Girls Gone Wild" rejects. Which would have been fine if they kept to themselves, but these were really egregious shitmongrels. Pure human trash. Example: I went for a walk with one of my friends and this drunk guy and girl came staggering out in front of us, shouting "High five! High five!" We high-fived them and tried to avoid further contact, but then they grabbed us in some kind of doucheface wrestling hold and started blathering something like, "It's about the love! THE LOVE!" I think they wanted us to fuck them or go get tattoos of John Mayer's face with them, one or the other. We had to do some kind of crazy improvised aikido shit to escape.
The houses are built all right next to each other, and they're all filled with loud drunks, because nobody actually lives on Fire Island. All the homeowners live somewhere else, and rent out their Fire Island houses to people who want to get drunk and have four-ways with strangers in another stranger's house. If you're into that, go to Fire Island, you scumsucking piece of shit. Thank God I was there with friends.
I'm pretty sure I didn't see a single gay person. I'd say that's because gays have taste, but the Village People kind of undermine that point.
Posted by tony at September 10, 2007 12:22 AM
Comments
Blog post request fulfilled.
Posted by: kristina at September 10, 2007 04:51 PM
Diujz-bag!
Posted by: Terry at September 12, 2007 02:07 PM
That was the highlight of my trip Tbone.
Posted by: Rachael at September 12, 2007 09:06 PM
Make out! Make out!
Posted by: Maddy at September 13, 2007 01:27 PM
