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May 23, 2005
Chocolove
Stan eats a lot of junk food. He should be a fat slob, but he's actually much more in shape than me (no small feat). He is "muscular," "cut," and "ripped." Mmm. (Note to mom who has been known to read this: I am not gay, this is a joke.)
So I shouldn't have been surprised when he picked up this fat red-wrapped chocolate bar at the bodega on the way home yesterday. It was $3.00. "Oof," said Stan, "Three dollars. I wouldn't have bought it if I'd known that." (Gigantic lie.)
It's 55% cocoa, and boasts "cherries & almonds in dark chocolate." Oh, also, its brand name is "Chocolove" and the wrapper proclaims, "Love poem inside!" So this is essentially what you're supposed to buy the girl whom you wish would put out already. Stan ate a girl chocolate bar. Ha ha! Afterward, he described it as "mediocre" and "totally not worth three dollars," and he offered me a leftover chunk, which I declined.
Today I bought the exact same chocolate bar. I have no reason or excuse for this. Maybe I just wanted a love poem. Sigh.
I shall now describe the eating of this chocolate in real time.
Wow, this candy bar is totally unworthy of being $3.00.
The dried cherries in here are a nice touch. The almonds are unnoticeable. Oh, the bar is scored into a grid pattern, and in the center of each square chunk defined by that grid is inscribed a tiny heart. I am now developing ovaries.
I have consumed the entire 3.2 ounce bar in two minutes. Price per minute of moderate enjoyment: $1.50, or about as much as your better phone sex lines. (Note to mom: I don't actually know how much phone sex lines cost. Please stop reading this website, though. It totally screws with my jokes.)
Stay tuned for more play-by-plays of my devouring of overpriced confections. But first, I will document shooting myself in the head. (Mom, this is actually serious. Help me.)
Oh, I was planning to reproduce the "love poem," but unfortunately it's not the rancid doggerel I hoped for, but a Shakespeare sonnet, and thus entirely uninteresting.
Girl candy!
Posted by tony at May 23, 2005 10:40 PM
Comments
It is passe to think of Shakepeare as uninteresting. I remember when Marlowe snobs of '94 (1694) used to be a single voice of dissent, but even they came around a decade and a half later.
Posted by: Janine at May 28, 2005 04:42 PM
My friend & co-worker Steve brought three of these chocolate bars into work around February. I remember my boss was sort of confused, she asked him why he hadn't brought them to his girlfriend, instead of to work. They were too romantic for the office, I gather. But we ate them. They were good, but not as good as Lindt 70% chocolate bars, which are equally expensive, but just sweet and just bitter enough to be g.d. perfect.
Posted by: Beth Anne at May 31, 2005 04:11 PM
