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May 17, 2004
Sluts
My legions of female friends, enlightened as they are, have long bemoaned a certain sexual double standard. "Why," they bemoan, "does a sexually promiscuous man earn the honorary title of 'stud,' while a woman of equal experience is scorned as a 'slut?'" My female friends nobly sacrifice their own bodies and reputations in order to highlight the importance of eliminating this particular double standard, so this question is usually followed by fourteen hours of amphetamine-fueled bukkake in a YMCA locker room. You see, I tend to associate with an extremely selfless, altruistic class of person. I can't help it. It's who I am.
However, I advocate a different approach to destroying the slut/stud dichotomy: total abstinence from all activities that would qualify any woman as a slut or any man as a stud. If nobody has sex with anybody, ever, there will be no sluts, no studs, and no double standards. We'll all just be people. What could be wrong with that? Nothing. And I should know -- I'm well-versed in "antistudism," not having engaged in anything that could even loosely be defined as sex since 1995, and then only as an unintended result of a horrible baking accident.
But my abstinence from human interaction does not begin and end at the genitalia. Far from it! I make it my goal to avoid all forms of contact with other people. A friendly kiss on the cheek? No, thanks. A handshake? I'll pass. Phonecall? Ew, gross. We all know that one thing leads to another, and if I accept your phone call, next thing you know we might very well be casually exchanging e-mail like a pair of drunken sorority girls rubbing their artificial bosoms together in a "Girls Gone Wild" commercial. I'm not a slut.
Posted by tony at May 17, 2004 12:00 AM
